Tonight

Why does it seem like problems in life are bigger at night?
That's a question that I've wondered about for years..but I think I'm finding the answer.
Before I go further, I'm going to update on Ben, Mary, & Lily--they are doing great. We finally got an answer to their issues, and apparently they got a viral infection; the doctor said it's pretty common. They got to go home & are feeling much better. Ben will continue to have trouble with kidney stones though, and has a lot of surgeries in his future.
Ok, back to what I was saying. The past few weeks have been purely insane. I'm talking never-sitting-down-until-midnight-or-later insane. I'm not really sure how I'm still alive, but here I am.
Last night I was babysitting my 5 cousins (which are hilarious, by the way), and around 10pm I was about to leave when I got a text message..when I saw the number, I felt a little mad, and confused at the same time..it was Mattie, my ex-best-friend. We have been fighting for a few months now off & on, & our last fight had pushed us both over the edge..we never wanted to hear from each other again after that.
But here she was texting me three days later..
why?
She was apologizing. I couldn't believe it when I read it..she said she was sorry for what she'd done, and was forgiving me for what I'd done. She said that if I wanted to talk that was fine, and she didn't want to fight anymore.
I texted her back, saying that I was sorry too, and she accepted my apology. I have read the messages over and over again today to make sure I didn't dream it.
Today we talked for a long time, and she really does want to be my friend again. I was blown away! It's hard to explain, but we've both been through a lot with each other the past few years, and for her to forgive me for everything was totally crazy.
But she did. And she meant it.
Forgiveness is really an amazing thing. You have to choose whether you want to forgive or not. God's forgiveness is even more amazing!
That brings me to the point of this post..I confess that this past month I've been all caught up in my problems..Ben nearly dying, Mattie being mad at me, helping Nanny with her garage sale for 4 days (all day), keeping up on guitar practice, Nana getting on disability (that was waaay more drama than it had to be), Mom's fender bender, parents fighting, not having enough school done, basically being a mom and a teenager at the same time..
I could go on and on all night, but the point is, I've had a lot on my plate. & when I have a bunch of problems going on like that, I freak out & try to make things easier & completely forget about everything but my problems--including God.
Well, I ran from Him. I knew I was on the brink of a meltdown, and so I ignored God to protect myself from that (tears are my enemy).
But things have changed this week..Mattie apologized, after screaming & fighting & strain my grandparents are peaceful about Nana getting on disability (she can barely walk anymore), Ben is doing fine even though he's still got some problems, my guitar teacher wasn't mad at me for having only one practice in last week, and I've had more time for school.
You might call it luck, but I call it grace. Even though I have ignored God this month just because of stress, He has still been keeping up with me (He must have some great running shoes), and working things out in my life..two weeks ago, I thought I wasn't going to make it. I honestly didn't believe that I would be here tonight, alive and well, typing away. I thought my whole family & life was about to go down the drain.
And guess what? God pulled all of us blockheads off the ground again! He gave us another chance.
I admit it, I figured He was giving up on me..I figured I had probably made Him mad, especially when I yelled at Mattie, but He's still here, cheering me on.
So tonight, I've got a song to sing about having no song to sing. I've been running on empty, and I'm tired of it. I'm completely worn out from fighting and fighting..

So here's my song:

I'm on the run
I'm on the ropes this time
Where is my song?
I've lost the song of my soul tonight

Sing it out, sing it out
Take what is left of me, make it a melody
Sing it out, sing out loud
I can't find the words to sing
You be my remedy
My song, my song
I sing with words left of me

Where is the sun?
Feel like a ghost this time
Where have you gone?
I need your breath in my lungs tonight

Sing it out, sing it out
Take what is left of me
Make it a melody
Sing it out, sing out loud
I can't find the words to sing
You be my remedy
My song, my song
I sing with words left of me

I'm holding on, I'm holding on to you
The world is wrong
The world is lies come true
And I fall in love with the ones that run me through
When all along all I need is You

Sing it out, sing it out
Take what is left of me
Make it a melody
Sing it out, sing out loud
I can't find the words to sing
Come be my remedy
My song, my song
I sing with words left of me

I'm holding on, I'm holding on...

--Switchfoot, Sing It Out